A Burning Mind
by Elsie pond
Summary: Natasha Romanov. Spy. Assassin. S.H.E.I.L.D agent. After everything she's been through in her life she had finally found a place at the Avengers. She made friends. She made a family. And she fell in love. But what happens when an undercover mission goes wrong and she forgets everything she's ever known? Including a love for a certain super-soldier?
1. Who Is Natasha Romonoff?

The first thing Natasha was aware of was a faint ringing in her ears. Somebody was yelling at her.

When it didn't stop she slowly begun peeling her eyes open, blinking against the harsh artificial light above her.

Her body felt numb and tingly. Like she hadn't moved in a long while.

Gradually the ringing in her ears surpassed, the yelling wasn't yelling at all, but the quiet murmuring of her name and slowly she began to feel the tips of her fingers.

Natasha peered around the room. White walls with clean crisp sheets covering her and the harsh tang of chemicals intruding her senses.

Hospital. That's where she was. Why was she in a hospital?

Instead of continuing her train of thought she realised a man sitting in a chair next to her bed and suddenly her location wasn't as important.

The man was resting his head and arms next to her, the gentle rise and fall of his chest slightly moving the mattress she was lying in.

She couldn't see his face, but whoever he was, he was clearly asleep.

A mop of unkempt blond hair sat on the top of his head.

A pain tugged deep within her.

Something in her mind begged Natasha to reach for him and if she did, everything would make sense. Something in her chest felt empty when she stared at him and didn't know why.

Natasha found her hand delicately sliding out from under the sheets, reaching for this man.

The tips of her fingers grazed the golden locks upon his head when suddenly the man jolted upwards, straightening compared to his slouched position a moment ago. She could see his breathing was intense and sharp. The man's eyes swept over her then stopped, realising who had touched him.

His eyes bore into Natasha's and his breath slowed slightly. His eyes were incredibly blue but a comforting feeling washed over when her gaze locked to his.

A blue sea staring into a ring of emerald.

Dark smudges were framed under his eyes giving him a slightly crazed look. His chest was rising and falling at a natural pace now and the man's lips parted slightly.

"Nat?" he whispered.

So many emotions were swimming through those soft eyes, too many that she couldn't catch any against the currant of sea blue.

Natasha didn't reply, just observed, but she couldn't ignore how the hole in her chest that had her reaching for him earlier grew larger and more like an abyss as she continued staring at him.

The man looked as though he hadn't slept in days then suddenly relaxed back into his chair, still not taking his eyes off her.

Suddenly she heard the telltale tap of heels on the floor, someone was approaching.

She moved her head and watched as the door opened with a lady in a blue doctors gown with a white apron attached standing in the entrance holding a tablet and staring intently at it, but when looking up she saw Natasha and froze.

"She just woke up Helen." The guy told her matter of factly. "About a minute ago."

Swiftly Helen collected herself and approached the other side of Natasha's bed, radiating professionalism that wasn't there a moment ago.

"Thanks, Steve," she replied then began quickly typing fast onto her tablet again.

Steve. That was his name. Steve.

She glanced over at him but he was steadily watching Helen.

"Natasha?"

Natasha tore her gaze away from Steve and focussed on her.

"You have been out for 2 and a half weeks after rescuing you from hydra after a failed undercover mission, the team brought you back after tey took you hostage for 3 days but you were unconscious when found. I've looked you over and you should be fine. You're safe Nat."

Her tone softened at the last three words.

So many things buzzed through her head. Is that why her head was feeling fuzzy? Was that why she was in a hospital? But she didn't ask any of those questions but instead asked something she should have asked as soon as she woke Steve up.

Without faltering, her voice steady she asked;

"Who is Natasha Romanoff?"


	2. A Kernel Of Hope

Steve sat in the still silence of the common room lounging at one end of the long dining table. Leaning back in his chair lazily, he watched the sunset over the New York skyline. His right hand nurturing a bottle of rum.

It's been 48 minutes since Dr Cho ordered nurses to come to wheel Natasha to the X-ray room to get a CAT scan.

34 minutes since she explained Natasha's condition.

34 minutes since she told him that hydra took away her memories.

That Nat doesn't know who she is. Or who he is.

Overwhelming guilt hit him like a brick. Steve couldn't help feeling this was his fault. He was the team leader of the avengers. He failed her. He could've been better. If he was, maybe none of this would've happened.

The memory of Natasha's cold eyes staring at him as the nurses began rolling her away kept replaying over and over, the moment etched in his mind.

The emotionless orbs of emerald that once held so much hope looked foreign.

It was all still fresh. Like a burn. And it stung.

He remembered Natasha's voice did not waver when she asked the question, the determination never wavered. The question that brought his whole world crumbling down upon him.

'Who is Natasha Romanoff?'

He'd felt so much in mere moments.

He was confused, scared, but had hope.

A small stupid part of him unwilling to give up on her. A tiny kernel of hope shining through the jumble of his thoughts. He let it guide him.

Steve's gaze did not wander from the skyline when he heard someone exit the elevator onto the floor.

It's probably Tony come to piss him off he thought.

"Look, Stark, I'm not in the-"

"I can leave."

Not Tony. Natasha.

Steve got out his chair and turned to face the woman at the opposite end of the table.

His rum long since forgotten.

"I can leave" she repeated.

"I was told about you and came to.." her voice trailed off and she peered behind Steve to the large window he'd previously been starring out.

The sun was setting igniting her skin. She looked as if she was glowing. An angel.

Natasha was still looking past him. As if she was the only person here.

In short quick steps, she'd passed Steve and the table and had gone to stand directly in front of the glow. He slowly turned to where she stood but made no move to stand next to her.

"I remember this, not this place, but the colours. Pink, orange, yellow." At that moment she decided to turn to him. A bitter laugh escaped her and his gaze sought out those eyes.

"How is it that I remember colours of sunsets but I don't even know who I am?"

Steve couldn't tell if she wanted him to answer the question. He wasn't sure if it even was a question.

"That lady, Helen, she told me there's a chance that I might remember, not informed by agents that barely know who I was, but remember. It would take time but she said memory's can be triggered, it might happen in bursts or all at once, but I have a chance."

Silence. The room was quiet. Not from awkwardness but grief. Grief over what happened. Something she didn't deserve. Steve realised she was waiting for him to speak.

"Me. You want me to help you?"

She walked over to him, standing now only mere inches away. A curt nod was her only answer.

"B-but, what about Clint? Isn't he better to ask?" his words were unsure, why ask him?

Natasha looked up and starred unfazed into his sea-blue eyes.

"When these agents came to my room and informed me about, well, myself I was told about every person on the avengers. On my team. I tried so hard to feel anything. Anything at all. A spark to know that I had cared. But I didn't. I didn't feel anything. Not towards them. Only you."

"I don't understand."

Because he didn't. What was so special about him?

She inhaled slowly.

"When I woke up, I was unsure of everything, nothing was right, but I remember seeing you and.. it was like seeing something you thought you'd never see again. I felt as though nothing else in that room had to make sense because you were there. And I didn't even know who you were. But, I felt something. Like I was coming out of a dream and nothing was real but then I saw you and I felt grounded, I felt.. safe. I felt home. I didn't feel that when I was told about Clint or any of the others. I think that if anyone can help me it's you."

Steve was at a loss for words.

What if he hurt her again, just made things worse and caused her more pain?

Natasha, seemingly knowing what he was thinking put a hand on his shoulder pulling him out from his thoughts and he once again saw those entrancing eyes.

Those beautiful emeralds that could rival any diamond.

That kernel of hope gleamed brighter.

He knew when he looked at her he'd decided.

He'd help her to remember in whatever way.

Steve wouldn't leave her in the dark, he knew Nat was in there.

Somewhere.


	3. Whipped Cream And Blueberries

Sleep had overcome Natasha quickly, a dreamless slumber that left her feeling more exhausted then when she had lied down.

Her raw, honest talk with steve the night before and finding out about her condition these past days have drained her more than she cared to admit.

Steve had shown Natasha her room shortly after their discussion. She wasn't sure how she felt about being on the same floor as him.

All the avengers shared rooms.

Tony and Bruce, Clint and Thor as well as Nat and Steve.

The room smelled fresh, the walls grey with a large king bed in the centre of the room and upon closer inspection, she had a walk-in closet and connected bathroom.

It was large.

That was something that registered as soon as she entered the room more.

She didn't like it.

The room felt too big, cold, unwelcoming but at the same time as it was suffocating.

Steve, still standing hesitantly in her door frame, sensed her uncertainty toward her living quarters and took a careful step toward her light switches. They weren't light switches but buttons to function a large hidden window.

Dwarfing in size to the one in the common room, the greater than needed glass let the moonlight shine through the room across her linens and igniting her skin.

Instead of sunsets, the cityscape was surrounded by stars and a full moon shining proudly above the buildings.

Steves nervous cough made her turn around realising she'd completely forgotten he was still here, waiting for her to speak, say anything.

"Thanks, I should be fine now."

His shoulders slumped and he looked like a kicked puppy.

Natasha suddenly felt a pang of guilt.

He'd done so much for her, cared for her and she repaid him with hostility.

Without thinking she looked him straight in his sea-blue eyes.

"Do you want to go for a walk tomorrow? I mean, I don't know but maybe there was somewhere we ran or went you could show me? I'm not sure.."

His whole body seemingly relaxed and a lazy grin etched across his face.

"Yeah, I can think of something."

Steve and Natasha continued to wordlessly stare each other down.

Steves mouth opened then closed, like he wanted to say something but didn't know-how.

He was the first to look away instead seemingly finding a mark on the floor very interesting.

"Goodnight nat."

Something unspoken remained on his lips but before she could rid herself of her curiosity he swiftly left the room, the door closing quietly behind him.

Natasha had envisioned herself sleeping soundly all through the night, although it seems fate had something different in store for her.

Her body was drenched in sweat and she felt numb all over.

Natasha couldn't retain much about her dream, but she remembered feeling something, she felt warm, fuzzy but the dream had a bittersweet edge to it, sad in a way, like a-

Natasha shot up from her bed realisation hitting her in the face.

A memory.

She must've had a memory.

She dug deep, deep into her mind to see if she could salvage anything, a loose thread that would snap it all into place.

Natasha found nothing, no trails no loose ends, it was if she was swimming through murky waters but seemingly never able to reach it the surface.

Never being able to grasp that shred of a chance.

Natasha slowly moved her legs off the bed, her movements professedly robotic.

She reached her door and silently walked out closing it behind her.

Her steps made soft padding noises on the floor echoing up the walls.

She found herself being taken to the elevator, pressing a button that she had no clue where it led to.

Auspiciously or unfortunately, she hadn't run into Steve upon leaving her room.

Natasha heard a large crash as soon as the doors opened.

"Really?!" a male voice screeched, matched with a string of curses.

Most likely directed to the person who made the noise.

"Hey! don't yell! it just slipped out of my fingers!"

An exasperated sigh followed their response.

As Natasha walked further into the room she stopped dead at the sight before her.

The men from the pictures Dr Cho had shown her not long after awakening from her coma were sitting casually in front of her eating breakfast.

It was strange, she expected that maybe seeing her so-called family in front of her rather than a picture might open the door towards her memories.

But nothing.

There was tony, staring down at a now shattered plate splayed across the floor with Clint giving him and the plate a disapproving glare.

It seemed Thor was attempting to stifle his laughter to not make the matter worse, but failing miserably.

Sitting on one of the dining room chairs, bruce sat silently watching the scene unfold, comfortable to observe rather than interfere.

She continued looking around the room, looking for a certain blonde-haired super-soldier.

Natasha's brain realised where he was before her eyes could catch up.

There he stood, slightly hunched over a very expensive looking stovetop making what appeared to be..

"Pancakes?"

The room seemed to focus on her. every eye turning their attention toward her.

A silence that wasn't there a moment ago washed over the room drowning out any lingering sounds.

She stood, observing, the others doing the same.

A cough turned emerald to sea blue.

Steve, obviously uncomfortable was the first to speak.

"Um, yeah. the team enjoys them so I make them sometimes.."

Tony stood up and walked over to Steve, ignoring the mess on the floor earning him a death glare from Clint who still hadn't said a word.

"He's just being humble, he knows you like them. thats why he made them. right spangles?"

Tony slapped Steve on the back earning a soft grunt from Steve, a slight blush staining his cheeks.

Bruce soft voice alerted everyone he was still watching.

"It's good to have you back nat."

To that she didn't know how to reply because she wasn't back, she didn't know if she ever would be.

So instead, only extended silence.

"Do you want some?"

Asked Clint breaking her thoughts from what had previously been said.

"The pancakes I mean.. do you want pancakes?"

Her shoulders relaxed slightly and she walked up to Steve, picked up a plate and passed it to him.

"Do you have whipped cream and blueberries?"


End file.
